OK, so the Phoenix New Times ran an article in early November describing beard nets as being a “required accessory” in restaurant kitchens, according to the 2013 edition of the Food Code published by the Food & Drug Administration.

Yeah, really.  Maybe a slow news week – or maybe the reporter was hitting on one of the prep cooks – dunno, but that dude was really rocking the net! Being the skeptical bastard curmudgeon I am, I went to the trouble of downloading a copy of the code, and paged to section 2-4, labeled “Hygienic Practices”, subsection 2-402.11, (dealing with hair restraints), to find the following statement:

“FOOD EMPLOYEES shall wear hair restraints such as hats, hair coverings or nets, beard restraints, and clothing that covers body hair, that are designed and worn to effectively keep their hair from contacting exposed FOOD; clean EQUIPMENT, UTENSILS, and LINENS; and unwrapped SINGLE-SERVICE and SINGLE-USE ARTICLES.”

Holy s**t! When was the last time you were in some hipster-laden eatery in the Central Corridor, Arcadia, Old Town Scottsdale or even – dare I say it – Tempe and actually saw Reginald the wonder-chef sporting one of these beard nets? Try, er, ah, um – oh how about never. With all due respect to Mr. Diloné, I’m thinking it’s almost a 1:1 ratio between my recent restaurant visits and potential violations of this provision in the code – yikes!

C’mon, it’s gotten to the point we expect to see some tatted-up culinary magician du jour sporting the truly ironic beard in the kitchen every time we go out to eat! …and if you are eyeing the kitchen, do you really want to see half of the crew back there trussed up in those awesomely-itchy white nets? Doubtful – really messes with that whole free-range, organic, farm-to-table, gluten-free, ultra-low sodium, triple-infused gastronomic orgy you were chasing after in the first place, doesn’t it?

…wonder if any of these unhappy hipsters ever heard of Harry’s? Nah, probably not.