OK, OK, so it’s 115 degrees outside and apparently servers’ brains turn into mush at that temperature – at least when it comes to wine service…

We’ve had several servers struggle – mightily – with the wine service recently. I’m talking about places where they go out of their way to promote the fact they serve wine too! How can this happen?

Soul Cafe’s new sister location called Alma, (and located at Gainey Ranch), was our most recent disappointment. Sure, this particular location has only been open three weeks, but c’mon people, get your staff properly trained on how to open an effin’ bottle of wine!

After scrutinizing their list, (…yeah, $190 for a 2010 Silver Oak – Alexander Valley, not Napa Valley – uh, no thanks, I think I’ll pass…), I chose a pinot noir from Emeritus Vineyards and hoped for the best.

Eventually the stemware showed up, and as our young – and obviously inexperienced – server struggled to score the foil so it could be removed prior to extracting the cork, I had to avert my eyes. Seriously, I thought this kid was going to open an artery the way he was manipulating the wine key and I really didn’t want to see blood on the cork. …or on the table. …or on my shirt. …or on my wife.

Miraculously, he managed to get the foil off, and then proceeded to sit the bottle down on our table, swing around to an adjacent table, drop the crumpled foil there, swing back around to snatch the bottle up again and start going at the cork with the corkscrew. My wife and I exchanged nervous glances, then we both cautiously glanced up to see if the cork was going to survive the onslaught being played out before us. Thank God, it did. Cork extracted, the bottle goes back on the table a second time, wine key is folded, and then the coup de gras – a two-handed pour so I could taste. Oh sweet baby Jesus, when will it end?

Happily, the wine was served at the correct temperature, and it certainly added to the enjoyment of our meal, but let’s face it, by then we were also mildly traumatized, having barely averted what – by all rights – should’ve been certain catastrophe!

“…911. What’s your emergency?”

“Uh, ah, er, umm…, oh crap! We’ve got a millennial with a foil cutter protruding from his carotid! Lord only knows how it got there, but we think an ’05 Cabernet might’ve gotten the best of him. We need help! …the natives are gettin’ restless… Hurry!”

Seriously, there are plenty of oenophiles out there ready, able, and even willing, to help train these hapless souls how to deftly handle a 750ml bottle, manage a wine key, score and remove foil, and even tutor them on how to use the corkscrew whilst keeping the label facing the guest. …bonus points if the guest gets to inspect the cork – yeah, I said inspect – while the taste is being poured.

Now that’s wine service!