Apparently it’s either an ampersand (&) or a plus sign (+)…

I’m a big fan of arguing by example, so here’s a list to prove my point:

Ling & Louie’s
Salt + Lime
Black & Bleu
Stone & Vine

In the bargain, I do believe I’ve discovered restaurant franchise “…hell on earth…”, (sincere apologies to George Bernard Shaw), and it’s right here in Scottsdale, less than 20 miles from where I live – yikes!

We declared last Thursday ‘errand day’, reluctantly venturing outdoors into a 105 degree blast furnace to run those errands. It was almost noon, (my stomach was delivering less-than-subtle hints), so we veered into the parking lot of yet another stucco and steel-festooned strip center on Shea Boulevard in search of food fuel. Scanning from left to right, we took in rather generic storefronts for Ling & Louie’s, Salt + Lime, Black & Bleu and, of course, Stone & Vine, all of which were within a stone’s throw – literally – of one another. Seriously, I could huck a rock from where I was standing and hit any one of ’em!

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

Wow, so much mediocrity, so little time. We drew mental straws and headed toward Salt + Lime. Why? It was the shortest distance in a straight line from the car, and the soles of my shoes were becoming one with the freshly-laid asphalt in the parking lot.

Ah, blessed air conditioning! We were guided to a booth in the back corner, seated, presented with menus and the extra place settings scooped up in the span of 20 seconds. Apparently the lanky twenty-something responsible for “…greetin’ ‘n seatin’…” had to get back to her iPhone kiosk so she’d be ready to intercept the next intrepid soul who ventured through those oh-so-inviting doors.

Cheyenne. Ah, yes, our pony-tailed, bleached-blonde, seventeen-year-old server arrives at the table. If I had to guess, I’d say she divides her time equally between this awesome job and those totally awesome tanning sessions next to mommy and daddy’s pool at home – at least while school’s out… …Britany, pass the tanning butter!

Beverages ordered, it was now time to peruse the menu. My wife went for the barbacoa street tacos, while I opted for chorizo-stuffed chile peppers, (a.k.a. “poppers”), and a relleno, (yes, they were both appetizer portions). Cheyenne grimaced and exclaimed “Oh, I have to tell you the peppers are in season, so they’re really spicy!” Did I still want them? Yes, I did – that’s precisely why I ordered the dish.

Question – how do ‘in season’ chile peppers differ from ‘out of season’ chile peppers in terms of Scoville heat units? Look, I get the difference between fresh chile peppers vs. stored/old/stale chile peppers, but ‘in season’ vs. ‘out of season’? Bring on the capsaicin, will ya?

No problem. These were the two words concluding every single one of our exchanges. No problem. No problem? No problem! Houston, we’ve definitely have a problem…

Tortilla chips and salsa appear. I head for the washroom to scrub up. Holy sh*t! The hallway leading to the restrooms doubles as the emergency exit, but it’s entirely blocked with a huge commercial kitchen shelving system and stacked tables in front of the door leading outside. Christ, if this place bursts into flames, we’d have a better chance diving behind the bar and attempting to douse the blaze with those cool-looking seltzer bottles!

I notice my wife’s glass of soda is almost empty, but Cheyenne is er, uh, on sabbatical.

…minutes pass.

Oh, hey, she sees my wife waving from across the restaurant. I mean, the plates have been dropped, so why venture back to the table? “Did you want another Pepsi?” Yes. “Oh, do you want one to?” Yes. Glasses disappear and reappear, now full. “Say, if you need anything else, just flag me down, or something, OK?” I swear to God, that’s an exact quote. I glance up at my wife who is now simultaneously rolling her eyes and trying – so desperately – not to burst out laughing. I can barely stifle myself as dear, sweet, [clueless] young Cheyenne gallops back to the kitchen, entirely confident she’s met our every need. …sigh.

Time to go run our errands.